Up until this moment, everything had been going beautifully. Two weeks ago, I had an ultrasound which I had posted a picture of. At the ultrasound everything was perfect. A strong heartbeat, a perfect tiny bean. I knew I felt flutters now and then, and my cravings were so strong and weird. Monday, I had my OB appointment which I had mentioned I was looking forward to. Only because I needed that reassurance that all was well, and I wanted to hear that strong heartbeat again. However when I got there, first thing they did was go to listen for the heartbeat, and one couldn't be found.
My doctor moved me to the ultrasound room, seemingly unalarmed. I tried not to be too worried. He booted up his old machine, and took a look. There's my baby...with her arms and legs, but nothing moved. The tears came. I told the doctor I was scared, and I asked what was going on. All he said was: I'm not an ultrasound technician, let me grab another doctor and see if he can find something. He handed me a tissue box.
A few moments later, another doctor came in to join him. Again, pressing the wand to my lower abdomen, in hopes of finding a heartbeat. Nothing. I lost it. They both told me it looked like I had lost the baby, and that I would need to go get another ultrasound today to confirm. I called my husband, sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't understand me at first. My kids were in the waiting room, I had thought this was only going to be a quick routine visit. Not the end of my pregnancy.
Fast forward a few hours, my kids are at my girlfriend's house, and we're getting our next ultrasound. It confirmed everyone's fears. The baby had died about 3 days ago. The doctor said, it's not my fault, please know that first. These things happen for reasons we never know, and he urged me to consider getting a D&C. Initially I balked at the idea, but I was such an emotional mess I couldn't decide that day. He said don't decide today, nothing will happen today, or tomorrow.
After lots of research, and conversations with friends, and my husband, I decided that a D&C was the best option for me. It was a late term miscarriage, all things considered. Passing it could take upwards of a month, and could potentially be very painful. Wednesday, I went in, sad, scared, and was received by a knowledgable doctor, and a caring, sympathetic staff. As I waited in the prep room, I heard the delivery of a baby. The doctor who I was waiting for just did a c-section. It was such a beautiful sound to hear that baby cry. I felt so happy for that mom, that she didn't go through what I was about to go through. Her day today would be enjoying her new baby. I felt a small twinge of sadness for my baby...that it would never make those sounds, or be held in my arms.
After things were done...they were done, and I can now begin healing my heart, and my body. Miscarriage is something I feel women do alone, even though we're not alone, we grieve alone. We grieve the most, but I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who help me through my grief. I've been leaning so hard on my friends, and family. I don't know how long I will tear up in quiet moments, maybe always.
Her name would have been Anna, and she was already so deeply loved. Be well sweet, Anna. You will always be in my heart.
